No farting while eating. Please?

Dear fellow diners,

I’ve tried to ignore it. I’ve tried not to care, but I just can’t go on like this any more.

We need to have a talk about table manners.

You heard me.

I love the experience of a good meal. That experience is made up of a lot of things…the taste of the food, the presentation of the meal, the service, atmosphere, décor. That’s not a newsflash for most people. What doesn’t often get included in that list of the intangible, but important, aspects of the dining experience is that it is influenced by table manners. Both your own and those of others around you.

As Miss Manners would (and did) say. The whole point of manners is to put in place rules so that everyone is comfortable and life is agreeable for all. How can you fault that. And what part of life is more worthy of being agreeable and comfortable than the dining experience. None, I say.

Bearing this in mind, I have taken the liberty of setting out below a few basic pointers that I’m sure you’ll agree will make the dining experience much more agreeable for all concerned. I am sad to say, all of these pointers are inspired by direct observances of actual people around actual tables in the recent past.

About cutlery and the use thereof:

• Your fork is not a front-end loader. Don’t overload it, it makes you look greedy. Besides, you have to open your mouth super wide to get it in and then your dining partner is forced to become acquainted with your tonsils. Eeeewwwwww.
• Learn to hold your fork properly, it should be used as a platform to convey food, not as a spear or pitchfork. Never, under any circumstances, should your fork be held in a clenched fist.
• The only thing with any business conveying food from plate to mouth is cutlery. Fingers are not cutlery. Unless you are having Indian or Ethiopian food, neither is bread.
• Cutlery is not a laser pointer or conductor’s baton. Do not use it to punctuate sentences or point stuff out to your dining companions.
• Wait until you are finished chewing and swallowing what is in your mouth before loading up again. Seriously. Otherwise you have to display mouth full of partly chewed food to the person opposite you in order to get the next load in which is gross beyond belief. Plus, it makes you look like a giant piggie.

About food and its path from table to mouth to stomach:

• Licking cutlery is gross. And dangerous. I know a guy whose tongue got pinched between fork tines. Ouch.
• Do not ever chew with your mouth open. It’s absolutely the grossest thing to have to look at. You might not mind so much, but it’s positively loathsome to those in whose line of sight you sit. If you have sinus problems take Sudafed before dinner. If you’ve got a cold, stay home in bed.
• No talking with food in your mouth. Using your hand to shield the fact that you are in fact talking with food in your mouth does not count. What you have to say cannot possibly be so important that it can’t wait 10 seconds, until you swallow,  to be said. Unless, of course, it is “FIRE!”, in which case, you are excused.
• Lip-smacking, slurping, noisy chewing, and other similar noises are gross and irritating. Cut it out.
• Do not reach across someone elses’ plate to help yourself to something. Ever. Even at home. Ask politely for the item to be passed.

Some other helpful basics:

• Under absolutely no circumstances is it acceptable to answer a cell phone or attend to a blackberry during a meal. To do so implies that the real live people with whom you are dining are less deserving of attention than some remote communication device that humankind managed to live without for the first million years of its existence. It’s the modern day equivalent of saying to someone at a cocktail party, “Oh, do excuse me. John’s just walked in and he’s far more important than you.” If you can’t help yourself, excuse yourself to the restroom or lobby to indulge – although never more than once per meal and not for any longer than it would take you to use the facilities normally. If you really can’t tear yourself away from the cell phone or blackberry for more than 30 minutes, you’re obviously too busy and important to be taking time for meals. Have lunch by yourself at your desk instead.
• I am deeply, profoundly disturbed by the fact that this next statement is even necessary: Please don’t fart (or belch) at the table. It’s just so very, fundamentally wrong.
• There are some foods that should only be eaten at home with people you love and who love you back: corn on the cob, crab and lobster come to mind.
• Ribs and wings should never be eaten in any restaurant that has cloth napkins. Yes, even if they are on the menu.
• Under no circumstances should your particular style of eating result in a later discovery of bits of food in your hair or that of your dining companions.
• Do not pick your teeth at the table. Excuse yourself to the bathroom. Plus there’s a mirror there which should make the job easier.
• Ladies: no applying makeup or looking in your compact mirror. That’s what the ladies room is for.
• Please do not snap your fingers, gesticulate wildly, clap or whistle to get your waiter’s attention. Brief eye contact and a nod will do the trick. If you do snap or whistle, your waiter has every right to ignore you. Or spit in your wine. Or both.
• The totally unnecessary rapid clinking of your spoon as you stir your coffee is the culinary equivalent of repeatedly clicking your pen in an exam. You may be okay with it, but it’s ruining someone else’s experience. It is possible to stir your coffee without making such a highly irritating noise.  Same thing goes for obsessive dish scraping.

Let me also point out that table manners at home in the privacy of your own four walls and in the presence only of those who are required by law or direct blood bond to continue to love, or at least tolerate, you are different from the manners required when out at a fancy restaurant. Every other experience falls somewhere in between.  This is not to say you shouldn’t be mindful of your manners around your family and friends, just that you can relax a little bit and know that there will likely be no social consequences if you manage to get a splash of sauce on your chin. The “no farting” rule stands though.

I think I’ve managed to get out all the really important stuff.

If you’ve got something to add, chime on in…

Comments

[William]

My wife and I were eating a nice meal at a decent place in Charleston a month or two ago. Another (large) party split into two tables, one each for the adults and teenagers. Guess where we sat...

We spent the entire meal in the crossfire between a group of unruly, unmannered teens and the parents yelling at them (from their own table) to behave.

Moral of the story? If your kids can't display proper behavior in public, leave them at home. Otherwise, distribute your discipline discreetly and in-person.

[Jennifer]

May I just ditto everything you just said. I have little tolerance of poor table manners. I've actually had to leave a restaurant because someone in my line of sight was such a disgusting eater that I could barely keep my dinner down.

My only amendment? My mother always said that there are two kinds of people in this world: those that leave a restaurant with a toothpick and those that leave without.

[Philip]

As a Belgian I wondered why you didn't mention the use of a knife while talking about the fork in the cutlery section? I took a look at the site you linked to and to my surprise I found out there is an 'American style' and a 'European style' of using fork and knife! Whenever I saw Americans and Canadians eating their meal with just a fork in 'the better' restaurant I considered it inappropriate, but apparently I was mistaken. At least as long as it's done zig-zag...

[connie]

nice post. decency in all aspects of modern life appears to be in decline and since we spend a whole lot of time eating, its most obvious here. simple faux pas are forgivable [lady looking into compact doesn't offend me, its just not proper] but I don't understand how someone can allow themselves to act in public in some of the ways you outlined above. and to William's post, yeah, I've been there... oh man its ridiculous

[homewitch]

I'm glad to see that some people still care about these things. While I don't get overly bent out of shape when folks make glaring errors in dining etiquette, I do appreciate when they don't... and while my kids will, on occasion, eat like heathens, they do *know* how to function in a classy restaurant without embarassing me to death... and do so, mostly because they fear death, themselves. :)

A couple more points that irritate me:

1) When you pass the salt, or the pepper, you pass BOTH the salt and pepper. And you don't use them in between... pass, then ask for them back. That goes for passed bread baskets, dishes, etc., as well.

2) I'm not sure how standard this is anymore, but I was taught never to take more than one bite without placing my fork back down on the plate. To do anything else was considered, at least to my Mom, grossly gluttonous and rude.

3) The no-clinking rule applies to iced tea, as well. I get those fingernails-on-blackboard willies hearing teaspoons clanking against glass or crystal.

4) Never use the words "gross," "disgusting," "yuck," or the like, at the table, even to describe the food. If it's bad, your fellow diners already know it, and if your host/ess or cook is there, so do they (and if they don't, it's rude to say so, anyhow.)

5) Last but certainly not least, especially to my Mom who taught me all these things, you should never, EVER say, "I'm full" or (even worse,) "I'm stuffed." Around our (really rather laid-back) family, we get around that jokingly by saying we are "unpleasantly sated." Once, in a particularly mischievous mood, my mother actually *said* that she was "full," mostly for shock value... which she got. My (then) 12 year old son's eyes went wide, and he said in disbelief, "Grammie said the F word!"

[Diane]

Okay, I'll jump on the band wagon too. Although I agree with, and sadly, have witnessed, experienced or been the victim of; all that you say - there is yet one more.

NO FORK BITING! You have lips, use them! Gently, quietly extract your food from your fork (or spoon for that matter)- Don't attack the fork like a shark threatening to not only do yourself an injury but to remove the finish from said utensil in the process(thus angering your host(ess) even more). And that noise - don't get me started!

[Lins]

Here, here on the post. Revisited your breakfast/brunch spreadsheet & had to wonder if you've tried Flavours on Whyte for their Sunday brunch & it just didn't make the list?

I haven't, but I've been told of a couple menu items & now I'm curious. Think it will probably be on the pricier edge for brunch, but with items like these, seems worth a try.

Smoked salmon & spinach benny over house made rosemary biscuits and herbed potatoes. (They have another kind of benny too?)

Sweet vanilla ricotta crepe with blueberry compote & whipped cream.

House made turkey sausage with sour cherries & eggs.

[anonymoose]

I agree with your post, with one thing to think about... not all manners are the same in all cultures.

"Several activities that may be considered bad manners in the West are acceptable in Chinese eating. These include spitting bones onto the table, belching, slurping noodles and soup and smoking at the same time as eating. A method of eating rice common in China that may seem unusual to Western eyes is to bring the bowl up to the lips and shovel the rice into the mouth rapidly with the chopsticks."
-From http://www.chinatown-online.co.uk/pages/food/etiquette.html

[jen]

yes, thank you. the food smacking and noisy chewing always always drives me batty.

Though, i have to say there are at least two exceptions to the no-hands-to-food rulein fine dining: whole artichokes and asparagus are both acceptible to eat with the fingers.

really, there's no other way to eat a whole artichoke.

and while this falls under common sense eating: if you have ordered pate, it's perfectly reasonable to spread the pate on the toast point with a knife, and then use the bread as conveyance to mouth. It'd be silly to use a fork.

[Anonymous]

At first I thought this post was a joke. But guess not. Such a very western point of view. Different cultures have different way of doing things. Are you going to adopt eastern habits if you eat in China? I do not think so. You eat the way you were taught. To assume others should behave the way you believe is right is very presumptuous.